Transcript for the Barack Obama Variety Show (Andy Samberg is so in it)

The Andy Samberg parts are bold below.



[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now, a message from Barack and Michelle Obama.

[ dissolve to Barack and michelle Obama standing before a glittery curtain ]

Sen. Barack Obama: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I am Barack Obama, and this is my wife, Michelle. This coming Wednesday, our campaign will run a special thirty-minute address on all four major networks.

Michelle Obama: This airtime was initially purchased so that we could speak to you one last time about the issues.

Sen. Barack Obama: However, with poll numbers putting us so far ahead, we decided now's the time to play it safe.

Michelle Obama: Instead of a conventional address, we're going to carefully manage our lead and, well, shake things up...

[ wide shot reveals the full stage with lights all around and Obama's logo across the stage floor ]

Sen. Barack Obama: With the "Barack Obama Variety Half-Hour"! It's time to have some fun!

Michelle Obama: Because we got a lead in the polls, and we built it up.

Sen. Barack Obama: We built it up.

Michelle Obama: We built it up.

Together: [ to the tune of "Solid (As A Rock)" by Ashford & Simpson ]
"And now it's solid
Solid as Barack!
That's what this lead is
That's what we got-got-got-got-got-got!"

Sen. Barack Obama: All your favorites from the campaign will be stopping by for songs and skits. Including House Democrats: Barney Frank, Nancy Pelosi, and Rahm Emmanuel.

[ cut to Frank, Pelosi, and Emmanuel ]

Nancy Pelosi: [ to the tune of "Our House" by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young ]
"Our house, is a very, very, very fine house!"

Barney Frank & Rahm Emmanuel: "Fine house!"

Nancy Pelosi: "When the Republicans were in charge"

Barney Frank & Rahm Emmanuel: "Life used to be so hard.

Nancy Pelosi: "Now everything is easy, 'cause of you-ou-ou-ou."

[ cut to Barack Obama ]

Sen. Barack Obama: [ chuckling heartily ] And, of course, a party is never complete without... Bill Clinton.

[ cut to Clinton surrounded by two dancing girls ]

Bill Clinton: [ to the tune of "Don't You (Forget About Me" by Simple Minds ]
"Don't you, forget about me
Don't, don't, don't, don't!"

[ he holds a thumbs-up pose ]

[ cut to Barack Obama ]

Sen. Barack Obama: Yeah! It's been a long campaign, so let's have some good old-fashioned fun... with Senator Joe Biden.

Sen. Joe Biden: [ chuckling ] Thanks for inviting me to dinner, Barack!

Sen. Barack Obama: So, Joe, I'm gonna ask: Why did you say that, if I was elected, a foreign power would test me with an international crisis? [ he looks over ] Hey, what are you eating?

Sen. Joe Biden: Oh, this? [ he holds up a rubber foot ] It's my foot! In my mouth!

[ they both chuckle heartily ]

Sen. Barack Obama: You'll even see Rev. Jeremiah Wright and University of Illinois at Chicago Professor Bill Ayers.

[ cut to Wright, with Ayers on keyboard ]

Rev. Jeremiah Wright: [ to the tune of "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley ]
"White devils be craaaaaaaaaazy!
White devils be craaaaaaaaaazy!"

[ Wright shrugs ]

[ cut to Michelle Obama ]

Michelle Obama: And some serious moments, like Barack meeting the spirit of John F. Kennedy.

[ cut to Barack Obama sitting with eyes closed, as the spirit of John F. Kennedy moves forward ]

Spirit of John F. Kennedy: Hey, Barack Obama. Over the years, there have been many pretenders in the Democratic Party, but you truly are the heir to my legacy.

Bill Clinton: [ steps forward ] Guys! I'm standing right here!

Sen. Barack Obama: Bill Clinton, everybody!

[ cut to Michelle Obama ]

Michelle Obama: So join us, this Wednesday, for the "Barack Obama Variety Half Hour". I promise it will be...

[ Barack Obama joins her ]

Together: "Solid!"

Michelle Obama: Yes, it is!

Together: "Solid as Barack!"

[ everyone else joins them on stage ]

Together:
"That's what this show is That's what we got-got-got-got-got-got!"

Barack Obama: Don't forget to vote -- FOR ME!!

Everyone:
"Solid!
Solid as Barack!"

[ fade ]